Rules of Engagement!

For information only -

• SELF AWARENESS: Self-awareness and self-responsibility are the first steps in sorting out and avoiding conflict. It's impossible to make your partner change, but if you change your behavior they'll almost certainly react differently. If, as individuals, each person works on defining who they are and what they want then the accusations stop and in describing ourselves we learn to communicate. I cannot change what he/she says to me - but I get to choose how I react and that in turn determines the course of the relationship. If I accuse the other person, then they defend themselves and we end up fighting about the "truth" instead of exchanging different perspectives. When I tell the other person what I want them to do/be for me, then they feel attacked and there can be no insight or communication.
  CHECK MY OWN THOUGHTS: Am I accusing the other person because I want to avoid dealing with something within myself. Am I avoiding letting the other person into my feelings, desires, wants. Am I using them to articulate what I want?
  WHAT ELSE IS GOING ON: am I tired, sad, mad, and that is causing me to displace my emotions and thoughts onto my partner.
  ADULTHOOD: let me know what I am saying and the way that I am saying it. Don't become petulant or violent. Be aware of the effects on the other person if I present myself in a threatening way.
  MANAGE MY FEELINGS: if I am angry learn to articulate it appropriately. Don't interrupt or talk over the other person. Wait until they finish, then count to three and answer or speak to what you feel in a measured way.
  SENSITIVITY: Make sure you and your partner are relaxed and in a good mood. Check why you are going to talk - your motivation Make sure it's a suggestion. Avoid using words such as "should", "ought" and "must". Instead, try "I was wondering..." or "Perhaps we..." Talk about how you feel the conversation will help you. Leave your partner to decide if they think it will also help them. Ask them to think about it. Don't expect an immediate answer. If they say no, try again a few days later, restating that they'd be helping you if they changed their mind. If they still insist they don't want to, drop it and investigate alternative ways of addressing the issue.
  
  COMMUNICATION:
• Listen - make sure you know what the other person has said. Re-frame out loud what you heard to check out if you are right
  Explore: Ask questions, especially about feelings. Check in with your own body to work out how you feel internally.
  Explain: spend time on describing what you perceive. Don't ask if the other person has understood. Use 'I' statements
  Empathize: look through their eyes, walk in their shoes
  Express: say what you mean and stick to what YOU want to say. Don't try and trick the other person into admitting something that makes them look foolish. Don't put each other down. Say exactly what you think.
  Take turns - and practise daily by having something to say that is not about the relationship, money, family or problems.
  
  1. Stick to the issue in hand - don't bring up previous misdemeanors or other things you've been meaning to say.
  
  2. Don't argue over trivia - for example, arguing whether it was Monday or Tuesday that you forgot the milk. The issue is you forgot, not which day it was.
  
  3. Start sentences with "I" - for example, "I felt annoyed when you..." rather than "You annoyed me when..." And "I would like to go out more often," not "We should go out more often."
  
  4. Don't use absolutes - never say "never", "always", "should" or "shouldn't". They're irritating and often inaccurate. For example, "You never wash up" will almost certainly get a response of "What about when...?"
  
  5. Let your opinions stand on their own merits - don't be tempted to bring in other people's opinions.
  
  6. Try to stay sitting down, relax your muscles and don't forget to breathe - it's much easier to stay calm if you're not pacing around the room.
  
  7. Don't start throwing abuse around - calling your partner lazy, fat or paranoid isn't going to convince them to see your point of view.
  
  8. Be aware of your feelings and tell your partner these as well - saying "I'm scared you don't love me anymore" is likely to get a better response than "You don't act like you love me."
  
  9. Try not to block the conversation - don't interrupt, launch into a monologue or expect them to be a mind-reader.
  
  10. Agree to a code word for time out - if one or both of you feels you're getting overheated it's best to take some time away from each other to calm down before going back to the disagreement.
  
  Remember, who wins the argument is irrelevant if your relationship loses something. Always try to confront the issue - not each other.

  Danger signs:

  During a typical blow-up, do you:build up resentment and tension all day over some repeated irritating habit of your partner?
  start on the issue as soon as you're both through the door?
  quickly bring up past offences, however small and trivial?
  make it personal, moving from complaining about the issue at hand to your partner's general character failings?
  avoid any sort of solution or compromise?
  forget what you are arguing about?
  
  If so, you need to work on making your rows less destructive. That is, to take individual responsibility for your own intentions, words and desires.

  Make your rows more useful

  Row about things you can change.Define what you want - don't threaten.
  Pay attention when one of you asks for a change. Do something about it before strong feelings get in the way.
  Stick to the current problem. Don't waste valuable time and energy on the past, which cannot be changed and may confuse today's issue.
  Keep your language respectful. Using put-downs, and accusations, may give you quick feelings of satisfaction but can cause lasting damage to your relationship.
  Avoid rowing late at night or in the early hours of the morning. At these times all issues seem more serious and being tired can get in the way of good sense. Leave a half hour between getting together and starting to talk about something serious. Use this time to describe something pleasant or interesting to one another.
  Agree to disagree. Sometimes there will be subject you can't agree on. Understand and enjoy these differences.
  Work hard to make up after a row . Remind yourselves of the love you feel for each other and your family.
  
  Find more enjoyable ways to let off steam together. Physical exercise, even a brisk walk together, can release tension. Laugh out loud together, share jokes and hilarious anecdotes from the past and watch funny videos or movies to release your feelings. Be playful. All these ideas release tension and can be much more fun than a row.
  
  

• Learning to Argue;

  Make a date in advance to do this exercise. It will take an hour.Toss a coin to see who speaks first and agree who'll keep time.
  Make sure you're not going to be disturbed.
  Perhaps start by agreeing to talk about something that is not part of your relationship - to practice talking.
  Agree what the two of you will do to relax after your hour is up. And, do it!
  
  Each partner gets 30 minutes to talk, while the other partner gives their undivided attention. After the hour is up, it's essential that you both walk away and do something else - don't analyze the conversation. In fact, agree not to talk about it for at least 48 hours.If talking for a whole hour is difficult because of other time pressures or feels too long for a first time, cut the exercise to 20 minutes each.
  

  Rules for the talker

  You have to take your full 30 minutes even if you run out of things to say. Any silences will give you a chance to reflect on what you've said and perhaps move on to deeper thoughts.Talk about whatever's on your mind - but don't turn it into a whingeing session.
  Try to talk only about your feelings and opinions by starting sentences with 'I'.
  If you're the second person to speak, try not to respond to what your partner's just said. You must talk about your yourself.
  
  

  Rules for the listener

  Try to listen with your whole self by giving your partner 100 per cent of your attention.Show that you're listening with your body language: maintain eye contact, nod and don't cross your arms.
  You can ask for clarification if you don't understand something, but not if you disagree. Don't share your opinions.
  It may be hard to keep quiet for that long, but it's important to do so.
  
  If you feel you're about to blow up, stop and think about what you want to get out of it before strong feelings take over. Is there a solution you can suggest that will satisfy you both? Or do you just want to let off steam after a long day? If so, there may be a more enjoyable way to do this.
  
  And above all - work on what you want as an individual and do NOT use other people's guidelines to determine who you are or who you should be. You cannot be a couple if you are not an individual first.
  
  Self awareness will result in other awareness and more communication. Be happy as an individual.....
  Copyright actualitycat 1986-2007