Creating Your Rebuttal Voice
Healthy Coach. If you are athletically inclined, you might like the idea of a healthy coach. This is the person of experience who is committed to helping you win. He or she gives you pointers and pep talks, sets up a regimen of healthy things to do each day, and keeps you fit and motivated.
Accepting Friend. This is a friend who has known you for years and accepts all your quirks and failings. There's nothing you can't say to this friend and nothing your friend says can hurt you. This friend is totally on your side, ready with understanding, and able to remind you of your good points when you forget them yourself.
Assertive Agent. Picture a Hollywood or Broadway agent who is totally dedicated to you. He or she is out there shouting your praises from dawn to dark. Your agent thinks that you're the greatest, you can do anything, you're going right to the top, you can't fail. Your agent is a shoulder to cry on, a reservoir of confidence.
Rational Teacher. This is the stern but kindly, rational but warm teacher who lives only so that you may learn. He or she points out opportunities to learn and grow. Your teacher's comments are always factual and insightful, enlightening you and showing you how the world works and how you work in it.
Compassionate Mentor. This is an older, wiser person who has chosen to guide you in your development as a whole and healthy human being, This mentor has seen everything, lived through everything, and is an invaluable source of good advice. The chief characteristic of your mentor is a deep and abiding compassion for you and all living things. You are totally safe with your mentor.
You can choose one of these personae for your rebuttal voice or make up a voice based on somebody you know, read about, or saw in a movie. It could be a priest or rabbi, an admired movie actor, or even an alien from another galaxy‑whoever you feel safe with, whoever will help. You can even imagine an entourage of these people who go everywhere with you, speaking up to give advice and support as needed.
When you rebut your pathological critic, hear your imaginary support person speaking to you in the second person, addressing you by name: "No, John, you're not weird. You have a vivid imagination”
Rules for Rebuttal
But what should these rebuttal voices say? How do you refute distortions like mind reading or emotional reasoning that seem so right, so unassailable?
In composing an effective rebuttal to a distorted self‑statement, there are four rules to take into consideration.
1. Rebuttals must be strong. Imagine your rebuttals spoken in a loud, forceful voice. If you invent a coach or trainer or mentor to be your rebuttal voice, make that person strong and forceful. Your pathological critic is powerful, with years of experience in delivering devastating messages to you. You need to counter with equal or greater force. Try beginning your rebuttals with a loud mental exclamation that will shock your critic into silence: "NO!" or "SHUT UP!" or "LIAR!". You might even do something physical to interrupt your negative train of thought‑snap your fingers or pinch yourself.
2. Rebuttals must be nonjudgmental This means that if you have been indulging in global labeling, all those pejorative adjectives and adverbs‑"awful, disgusting, horrible"‑have got to go. Get rid of notions of right and wrong. Concentrate on what is, not what should be, You are not "stupid," you merely got a C in sociology. You are not "selfish," you just wanted some time for yourself.
Being very exact in your statements, rather than exaggerating or minimizing, will help remove the judgmental quality from your self statements. You are not fat, you weight
3. Rebuttals must be specific. Think in terms of specific behavior or a specific problem. If your self‑statement is "Everything I do turns out wrong," make it specific: "Only three out of the eight people I invited came to my party." Instead of saying, "Nobody will ever love me again," say, "At this moment, I am not in a relationship." You are not without friends, you have three people you can call up if you want to. Your date wasn't cold and rejecting, he just said that he was tired and wanted to make it an early night.
Constantly ask yourself, "What are the facts? What would stand up in court? What do I know for sure?" This is the only way to find mind reading and emotional reasoning. If you feel that your boss disapproves of you, examine the facts: all you really know is that he didn't say anything about the memo you sent him and that he blinks a lot when he looks a,t you. Beyond that, it's all fantasy.
4 Rebuttals must be balanced. Include the positive as well as the negative. "Five people didn't come to my party, but three people did come and had a good time." "I'm not in a relationship right now, but I have been in the past and will be in the future. " " I weigh
When you use these rules to compose your own rebuttals, write them out on paper using the three‑column technique‑ You will probably have a long paragraph of analysis, refutations, and positive statements to rebut each negative self‑statement. When you are finished, underline or star the parts of your rebuttal that seem the strongest. These stronger statements are the ones you should memorize and use the next time your pathological critic starts attacking you,
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