Tuesday, July 31, 2007

RELAX ....


Remember, do some simple stretches several times a day. If you have time, say when watching TV, breathe in to the count of five while tensing muscles from fingers and toes up to shoulders - hold your breath for one second - then exhale, release breath, and let muscles relax for count of five. Let your shoulders slump forward. Slowly uncurl and notice how your body feels.

An easy quick exercise program - under twenty minutes a session at home with no equipment, 5BX. Adapt the more elaborate stretches to do under the massaging water of a shower. Start with hot water - stretch - and then gradually cool the temperature to a refreshing level.


DEEP MUSCLE RELAXATION:


1) Extend your arms in front of you and clench your fists. For this and each successive muscle group, tense the indicated muscle group for about 7–10 seconds and then completely relax those muscles (let them go completely limp) for 20–30 seconds before moving on to the next muscle group.

2) Extend your arms in front of you and point your fingers toward the ceiling as though you were pushing a wall.

3) Touch your fingers to your shoulders to tense your biceps.

4) Shut your eyes tightly so that you tense the muscles around your eyes, in your forehead, and your temples (skip this exercise if you are wearing contact lenses).

5) Push your tongue against the roof of your mouth, clinch your molar teeth, and pull the corners of your lips around as though trying to touch your ears. (This will look like a bad grimace.)

6) Pull your chin down one inch from your sternum (breastbone) and at the same time try to pull your chin further toward the sternum and backwards toward your back. This sets up antagonistic muscle reaction and can cause your head to tremor.

7) Take a deep breath and hunch your shoulders up towards your ears.

8) Pull your shoulders back as though trying to touch them together in the back.

9) Suck your stomach in as though trying to touch your backbone.

10) Push your buttocks into chair to tense your buttock muscles.

11) Extend your legs in front of you and lift your heels six inches off floor to tense your thigh muscles.

12) With your legs extended and heels resting on floor, point your toes toward your knees to tense your calf muscles.

13) With your legs extended and heels resting on floor, curl your toes under toward the arches (tense for 5 seconds only as these muscles easily experience cramps).

Staying completely relaxed, review the condition of each of these muscle groups.

Notice the relaxed feeling you should now be enjoying. During the exercises, you may notice that your palms become warmer, that your upper torso becomes heavier and heavier. Concentrate on these effects since they are evidences of deep relaxation.

Sit quietly for several minutes. You might wish to use this experience for implanting more firmly in your mind that you can control the pain. Enjoy the feeling of relaxation and a lessening of your pain or tension.

As you end the exercise session, gradually begin to move your feet, hands, head, and torso. Do not make any sudden movements; just gradually enter your normal routine, enjoying your relaxed state.

Try to practice this exercise twice a day — morning and evening are best for most people. Practicing in the morning often helps in beginning the day more centered, less feverishly. Practicing in the evening helps to wash out the cumulative stress of the day.


Monday, July 30, 2007

Breaking the Mirror

This is part of an ongoing dialogue around individuation .....
  • What is the relevance of history, and the identifications of patterns to helping the individual differentiate from their family of origin, but yet retain the cultural and familial heritage?
  • How does existentialism and/or phenomenology impact the development of the authentic self - breaking away from the patterns instilled by early childhood experiences?
  • Metanarratives - as the story we are doomed to repeat?

Berger’s description of childhood:

“One of the most widespread adult illusions is the belief in second chances. Children, until they are otherwise persuaded or bribed by adults, know that they do not exist” Berger, J. and Mohr, J. (1967) A Fortunate Man. New York: Pantheon

The reference to “The Mirror” in the title refers to Lacan’s ideas around the development of an individuated self:

1. NEED: The baby as a polymorphous blob, does not recognize the distinction between itself and the objects that meet its needs.

LOSS: the state of nature which defines NEED has to be broken up. The infant must separate from his/her mother, form a separate identity in order to enter civilization. The child experiences this as loss – losing that primal sense of security as he/she becomes aware of others.

The REAL gives way to the SYMBOLIC when the child develops language to describe the experience of loss. (18 months)

2. DEMANDS: Not only to demand the objects that are lost but also the demand for recognition by another, for love from another. The child is aware of their separateness from the mother – and that there are things that are not part of him/her – this creating the experience of OTHER. But the baby still has no real notion of self. The baby demands to return to the world of the real – non-separateness, unity with mother, and because this is impossible the child experiences and existential anxiety of loss.

3. DESIRE: The MIRROR STAGE The child will perceive themselves as in a mirror. He/she will look at this image and then look at a real person ( as a baby the mother ) and then back at themselves.

In the process of comparison and mirror the child – or adult – will start to develop a sense of being an integrated being , a whole person. A self!

The person will develop behavioral and emotional patterns based on the image that he or she sees in the mirror and the patterns that he or she sees manifested in the people around – family.

The issue here is that the person needs to break this mirror in order to establish an authentic self, which makes choices for his or her self instead of repeating the patterns over and over again.

Jaques Lacan: The Mirror Stage as Formative of the function of the I as Revealed in Psychoanalytical Theory (1949), in Ecrits – A Selection, Tavistock Publications, 1977

The incorporation of the development of a person’s sense of self developed in family of origin, how a person's sense of self impacts relationship as adults, (illuminating the repetitious (Freudian sense) patterns that one incorporates another person based on the person’s need templates (Nagi) or self-objects (Kohut) needs that were not fulfilled in the family of origin) and how a therapist may create a environment that allows for the needs to be met in the relationship (transference?) so the person is not doomed to continue to repeat the same patterns with whomever they are with?

METANARRATIVES: stories or myths that have great generalities and represent a final truth or meanings. Thus there can be Metanarratives within the family which are taken as truths or myth ( as in the story we live by ) that can continue dysfunctionally until the individual challenges them in the push for individuation and fulfilling relationship based on authentic self. (Lyotard)

The family/therapist/parent can create a dictatorship in which the attempt to arrange a world in which people can speak freely, results in the imposition of a “truth” that causes the individual to remain tied to the patterns of dysfunction. Lyotard’s Paradox,

Lyotard, J.F (1994) Lessons on the Analytic of the Sublime.

Foucault, M. (1980) The History of Sexuality vol 1. New York: Vintage Books.

My Life

These booklets have been written for a specific communities but have implications for us all ..... please click on the picture to go to the download page.


It's my life: a guide for men about HIV and AIDS explains HIV and AIDS to men in the context of the Caribbean. In clear text and dialogue boxes it explains how HIV is passed on, how they can protect themselves and what happens if they are HIV positive. It also includes a list of organisations and institutions offering help and support in the Caribbean.

It's my life: a guide for women about HIV and AIDS explains HIV and AIDS to women, how it is passed on and how they can protect themselves; basic facts about pregnancy and prevention of HIV transmission to the baby; and what happens if they are HIV positive. It also includes a list of organisations offering help and support in the Caribbean.

Living positively: a guide about HIV and AIDS is designed to help those who know they are living with HIV and AIDS and are looking for information to help them understand their condition. The booklet covers issues such as telling others you have HIV, support from family and friends, depression, nutrition, starting combination therapy, sticking with your combination therapy and tips as well as a list of organisations offering help and support.

Understanding HIV and sexually transmitted infections explains what HIV and AIDS is, how it is transmitted, what an HIV test is, how HIV affects the body, how to live with HIV, as well as other sexually transmitted infections and where to get help and support.

Friday, July 27, 2007

Safer Sex Three?


Proper Use of Barrier Methods

Male Condoms
To maximize protection and to minimize chances of condom breakage or slippage:(a)

  • Use condoms made of latex or polyurethane.
  • Use each condom only once.
  • Store condoms in a cool dry place that is out of direct sunlight.
  • Do not use any condom that is in a damaged or obviously aged (brittle, sticky, or discolored) package. Check expiration dates on condom packaging before use.
  • Handle condoms carefully to avoid puncture.
  • Ensure that no air is trapped in the tip of the condom once it is in place.
  • Place condom on an erect penis before any genital or anal contact. Hold the tip of the condom between two fingers and unroll it onto the penis. Leave a space at the tip (without air in it) to collect semen.
  • Ensure adequate lubrication. If extra lubrication is needed when using a latex condom, use only water-based or non-oil-based lubricants. Examples of oil-based lubricants that are unsafe to use with latex condoms include mineral oil, petroleum jelly, cooking oils (eg, vegetable oils or vegetable shortening), or body oils.
  • Withdraw the penis while still erect after ejaculation. Grasp the base of the condom and hold it before and during withdrawal of the penis to ensure the condom does not come off.
  • If a condom breaks or slips off during sex, replace it with a new condom immediately.
Female Condoms
Guidelines for vaginal use of female condoms are as follows:(b)
  • Insert the condom into the vagina 8 hours or less prior to intercourse.
  • Use additional lubrication, if necessary.
  • Use each female condom only once.
  • Squeeze the inner ring and insert the closed end of the condom into the vagina as far as it will go.
  • Using the index finger, check that the inner ring is just past the pubic bone.
  • Leave the outer ring and about 1 inch of the sheath lying against the labia, outside of the vagina.
  • Ensure that the penis is inserted inside the sheath (not underneath or beside the sheath).
  • Ensure that the outer ring is not pushed into the vagina during intercourse.
  • If the penis slips under or beside the sheath, remove the condom and insert a new one.
  • Squeeze and twist the outer ring to keep sperm inside the sheath during removal.
Dental Dams
  • Hold the latex square over the vaginal area or anal area prior to and during the time of oral contact with that area.
  • Use each dental dam only once.

Risk Factor Sexual


Sexual practices and associated risks of HIV infection

No-risk practices. These sexual activities cannot transmit HIV:

  • Self-masturbation
  • Touching, massaging, hugging, caressing
  • Social (dry) kissing
  • Any type of sexual intercourse between partners who are certain that they are uninfected
Extremely low-risk practices. These activities carry a small (based on case reports) or theoretical risk of HIV transmission between partners of unlike or unknown HIV serostatus:
  • French (wet) kissing
  • Mutual masturbation (if no cuts on hands, and no ulcers or lesions on genitals of either partner)
  • Vaginal sex with a male or female condom (with proper use, including putting latex or polyurethane condom in place before any penetration)
  • Fellatio with condom (with latex condom placed on penis before oral contact)
  • Cunnilingus with dental dam (with latex dam placed over vaginal area before oral contact)
  • Anilingus (rimming) with dental dam (with latex dam placed over anus before oral contact)
  • Contact with urine (only with intact skin, avoiding contact with mouth)
  • Using one's own sex toys (without sharing of any toys that contact body fluids)
Low-risk practices. Epidemiologic studies have found these sexual activities to have a low probability of HIV transmission between partners of unlike or unknown HIV serostatus:
  • Fellatio without condom (Risk of HIV infection to insertive partner is extremely low, risk to receptive partner is increased if ejaculation occurs in mouth.)
  • Cunnilingus without a latex dam
  • Anilingus without a latex dam
  • Anal intercourse with condom (with proper use of condom, including placing latex condom on penis prior to any penetration, and using ample amounts of water-based or nonpetroleum-based lubrication with latex condoms)
  • Anal or vaginal penetration with the hand with latex gloves
High-risk practices. These sexual activities carry the highest risk, based on epidemiologic studies of transmitting HIV between partners of unlike or unknown HIV serostatus:
  • Vaginal intercourse without a male or female condom
  • Anal intercourse without a latex condom (highest risk is to the receptive partner)
  • Anal penetration with the hand (fisting) or other rectal trauma without a latex glove, or fisting followed by unprotected anal intercourse


Wasted

Good Sexual Health

Questions for Couples as Individuals in Relationship

· How did you and your partner meet? What attracted you to him or her?

· Why did your partner choose you?

· What did you learn about marriage from your parents?

· What did your spouse learn about marriage from his or her parents?

· If you could do it all over again, would you choose this same partner? List your reasons.

· What would you change in your partner to make the relationship better?

· What do you need to change in yourself that would improve the relationship?

· What are your partner’s most deeply held beliefs? His or her most prized accomplishments? His or her most cherished dreams?

· The people whom you dated before getting involved with your current partner - what were they like? Why did these relationships not work out?

· The people whom your partner dated before getting involved with you- what were they like? Why did these relationships not work out?

· What is your favorite recreational activity? Your partner’s?

· Name three important lessons you have learned from your partner.

· Describe how you feel about sex with your partner.

· Describe the ideal life partnership. Describe your ideal mate.

· Describe one important way you have disappointed your partner and one way she or he has disappointed you.

· How do other significant people view your relationship?

Informal Reflections on BPD

Remember - these are just insights, not gospel:

Never disregard professional advice or delay in seeking it because of something that you have read on ANY internet site or page. Remember - online information resources are not meant to, nor can they, replace the specialized training and professional judgment of a health care or mental health care professional.

If you are feeling like you want to harm yourself or others, please THINK first, contact a mental health or other health care professional, or visit an emergency room or crisis center IMMEDIATELY.

When you were young you knew that you were different and now, your parent/childhood caregiver/significant other makes you feel 'less than' - this is called an ' invalidating environment'. Essentially a situation in which your personal experiences and responses are disqualified or "invalidated" by the significant others in your life. Your personal communications are not accepted as an accurate indication of your true feelings and it is implied that, if they were accurate, then such feelings would not be a valid response to circumstances.

An Invalidating Environment is characterized by a tendency to place a high value on self-control and self-reliance. Possible difficulties in these areas are not acknowledged and it is implied that problem solving should be easy given proper motivation. Any failure on your part to perform to the expected standard is therefore ascribed to lack of motivation or some other negative characteristic of your character.

Kinda like when your parent/childhood caregiver/significant other implies that you could stop drinking if you wanted to, or the implication that your parent/childhood caregiver/significant other somehow does not accept you because YOU are not meeting his or her expectations.
At the same time, if the whole environment is invalidating because the people in it are trying to keep to a pattern that someone/thing else has set (LDS) then everyone suffers.
And - when the same environment blows up (divorce) - then the individuals will revert to the way that they were and will grow from that point rather than grow from the crisis. Hence why your parent/childhood caregiver/significant other seems so unable to relate ...

1. Accepting Reality - and accept that what you are experiencing is real and valid - and 2.Letting BE, or BE WITH Emotional Suffering
Essentially techniques to enable one to become more clearly aware of the contents of experience and to develop the ability to stay with that experience in the present moment
3. Distraction
Distraction is simply doing other things to keep yourself from becoming negatively absorbed. Bring something else in to change the feeling. Using ice, rubber bands, etc, is substituting other intense feelings for the self-injury. Other things g include experiences that change your current feelings, tasks (like counting the colors you can see in your immediate environment) that don't require much effort but do take a great deal of concentration, and volunteer work.

4. Improve the Moment
'Emotional modulation' : ways of changing distressing emotional states and 'distress tolerance skills' include techniques for putting up with these emotional states if they can not be changed for the time being. These include recognize the feeling and go into a VERY cognitive mode that can be practised over a couple of days - or until the stress period has passed -
Relax by using something as simple as looking up and putting your arms up and make a basket of your hands behind your head -
Each day stop and breath several times. In breath to the count of five (tensing your whole body gradually - finishing with tensing your shoulders ) and then as you exhale to the count of five let your body relax down and outwards towards the tips of her fingers.
If you think you have a task -- work out the steps beforehand.
If you feel like you are going to stress out .... stop, shut everything down, breath and stretch, put your hands behind your head .... then think about what you want to do and go back to it. If you want to phone someone then do that AFTER you have calmed yourself down.
Stress/Panic is normally more physiological than emotional. Remember that and don't blame yourself! Have one thing a day that you will really enjoy -
Defer & Recollect: Everyday at night or during the day take a pad of paper and doodle for ten minutes at the same time as you write down words that describe thoughts/actions that have happened during the day. You can even write down thoughts for the next day as well. Try and do this while something else is going on to distract you - radio, music ...
Look at your body clock : notice when you get jittery. I suggest some kind of soup, As humans we are supposed to eat at the 'stress' times of the day : 8:00am - 11:30am, between 2:00pm - 4:30pm, 6:00pm - 9:00pm .... and then a small carbohydrate snack before bedtime ( or a low fat yoghurt ). No milk after 6:00pm. Small meals - and plenty of them, good for weight, good for alcohol
Crave foods ? Do it -
5. Tolerating Distress
Try and seperate from the stress and look at it from the outside in. See if you can place the pain/stress beside you where it can be "bracketed" - sometimes it helps to imagine that you put it into a scrapbook that you can come back to later on.
6. Self-Soothing
Just like with food, match the activity to the feeling. A few examples:
~ angry, frustrated, restless:
Try something physical and violent, something not directed at a living thing:
Slash an empty plastic soda bottle or a piece of heavy cardboard or an old shirt or sock.
Make a soft cloth doll to represent the things you are angry at. Cut and tear it instead of yourself.
Flatten aluminum cans for recycling, seeing how fast you can go.
Hit a punching bag.
Use a pillow to hit a wall, pillow-fight style.
Rip up an old newspaper or phone book.
On a sketch or photo of yourself, mark in red ink what you want to do. Cut and tear the picture.
Make Play-Doh or other clay models and cut or smash them.
Throw ice into the bathtub or against a brick wall hard enough to shatter it.
Break sticks.
I've found that these things work even better if I rant at the thing I am cutting/tearing/hitting. I start out slowly, explaining why I am hurt and angry, but sometimes end up swearing and crying and yelling. It helps a lot to vent like that.
Crank up the music and dance.
Clean your room (or your whole house).
Go for a walk/jog/run.
Stomp around in heavy shoes.
Play handball or tennis.
~ sad, soft, melancholy, depressed, unhappy:
Do something slow and soothing, like taking a hot bath with bath oil or bubbles, curling up under a comforter with hot cocoa and a good book, babying yourself somehow. Do whatever makes you feel taken care of and comforted. Light sweet-smelling incense. Listen to soothing music. Smooth nice body lotion into the parts or yourself you want to hurt. Call a friend and just talk about things that you like. Make a tray of special treats and tuck yourself into bed with it and watch TV or read. Visit a friend.
~ craving sensation, feeling depersonalized, dissociating, feeling unreal:
Do something that creates a sharp physical sensation:
Squeeze ice hard (this really hurts). (Note: putting ice on a spot you want to burn gives you a strong painful sensation and leaves a red mark afterward, kind of like burning would.)
Put a finger into a frozen food (like ice cream) for a minute.
Bite into a hot pepper or chew a piece of ginger root.
Rub liniment under your nose.
Slap a tabletop hard.
Snap your wrist with a rubber band.
Take a cold bath.
Stomp your feet on the ground.
Focus on how it feels to breathe. Notice the way your chest and stomach move with each breath.
[NOTE: Some people report that being online while dissociating increases their sense of unreality; be cautious about logging on in a dissociative state until you know how it affects you.]
~ wanting focus:
Do a task that is exacting and requires focus and concentration.
Eat a raisin mindfully. Pick it up, noticing how it feels in your hand. Look at it carefully; see the asymmetries and think about the changes the grape went through. Roll the raisin in your fingers and notice the texture; try to describe it. Bring the raisin up to your mouth, paying attention to how it feels to move your hand that way. Smell the raisin; what does it remind you of? How does a raisin smell? Notice that you're beginning to salivate, and see how that feels. Open your mouth and put the raisin in, taking time to think about how the raisin feels to your tongue. Chew slowly, noticing how the texture and even the taste of the raisin change as you chew it. Are there little seeds or stems? How is the inside different from the outside? Finally, swallow.
Choose an object in the room. Examine it carefully and then write as detailed a description of it as you can. Include everything: size, weight, texture, shape, color, possible uses, feel, etc.
Choose a random object, like a paper clip, and try to list 30 different uses for it.
Pick a subject and research it on the web.
~ wanting to see blood:
Draw on yourself with a red felt-tip pen.
Take a small bottle of liquid red food coloring and warm it slightly by dropping it into a cup of hot water for a few minutes. Uncap the bottle and press its tip against the place you want to cut. Draw the bottle in a cutting motion while squeezing it slightly to let the food color trickle out.
Draw on the areas you want to cut using ice that you've made by dropping six or seven drops of red food color into each of the ice-cube tray wells.
Paint yourself with red tempera paint.

~ wanting to see scars or pick scabs:
Get a henna tattoo kit. You put the henna on as a paste and leave it overnight; the next day you can pick it off as you would a scab and it leaves an orange-red mark behind.
Another thing that helps sometimes is the fifteen-minute game. Tell yourself that if you still want to harm yourself in 15 minutes, you can. When the time is up, see if you can go another 15. I've been able to get through a whole night that way before.
~ "I tried all of that. I still want to hurt myself ":
Sometimes you will make a good-faith effort to keep from harming yourself but nothing seems to work. You've slashed a bottle, your hand is numb from the ice, and the urge is still twisting you into knots. You feel that if you don't harm yourself, you'll explode. What now?
If, in all honesty, you see no other answer, then give yourself permission, but set definite limits. Do not allow the urge to control you; if you choose to give in to it, then choose it. Decide beforehand exactly what you will allow yourself to do and how much is enough, and stick to those limits. Keep yourself as safe as you can while injuring yourself, and take responsibility for the injury.
Try to answer the following questions to reconstruct a moment by moment analysis of the interactions ans sensations that cause the cutting.
FEELING REAL:
Why do I feel I need to hurt myself? What has brought me to this point? Have I been here before? What did I do to deal with it? How did I feel then? What I have done to ease this discomfort so far? What else can I do that won't hurt me? How do I feel right now? How will I feel when I am hurting myself? How will I feel after hurting myself? How will I feel tomorrow morning? Can I avoid this stressor, or deal with it better in the future? Do I need to hurt myself?

Staying safe while "hurting yourself": A few things to keep in mind should you decide that you do need to hurt yourself: Don't share cutting implements with anyone; you can get the same diseases (hepatitis, AIDS, etc) addicts get from sharing needles. Try to keep cuts shallow. Keep first aid supplies on hand and know what to do in the case of emergencies. Do only the minimum required to ease your distress. Set limits. Decide how much you are going to allow yourself to do (how many cuts/burns/bruises, how deep/severe, how long you will allow yourself to engage in SI), keep within those boundaries, and clean up and bandage yourself later. If you can manage that much, then at least you will be exerting some control over your SI.

Rules of Engagement!

For information only -
  • bulletSELF AWARENESS: Self-awareness and self-responsibility are the first steps in sorting out and avoiding conflict. It's impossible to make your partner change, but if you change your behavior they'll almost certainly react differently. If, as individuals, each person works on defining who they are and what they want then the accusations stop and in describing ourselves we learn to communicate. I cannot change what he/she says to me - but I get to choose how I react and that in turn determines the course of the relationship. If I accuse the other person, then they defend themselves and we end up fighting about the "truth" instead of exchanging different perspectives. When I tell the other person what I want them to do/be for me, then they feel attacked and there can be no insight or communication.
    bulletCHECK MY OWN THOUGHTS: Am I accusing the other person because I want to avoid dealing with something within myself. Am I avoiding letting the other person into my feelings, desires, wants. Am I using them to articulate what I want?
    bulletWHAT ELSE IS GOING ON: am I tired, sad, mad, and that is causing me to displace my emotions and thoughts onto my partner.
    ADULTHOOD: let me know what I am saying and the way that I am saying it. Don't become petulant or violent. Be aware of the effects on the other person if I present myself in a threatening way.
    bulletMANAGE MY FEELINGS: if I am angry learn to articulate it appropriately. Don't interrupt or talk over the other person. Wait until they finish, then count to three and answer or speak to what you feel in a measured way.
    bulletSENSITIVITY: bulletMake sure you and your partner are relaxed and in a good mood. bulletCheck why you are going to talk - your motivation bulletMake sure it's a suggestion. Avoid using words such as "should", "ought" and "must". Instead, try "I was wondering..." or "Perhaps we..." Talk about how you feel the conversation will help you. Leave your partner to decide if they think it will also help them. Ask them to think about it. Don't expect an immediate answer. bulletIf they say no, try again a few days later, restating that they'd be helping you if they changed their mind. If they still insist they don't want to, drop it and investigate alternative ways of addressing the issue.

    COMMUNICATION:
  • bulletListen - make sure you know what the other person has said. Re-frame out loud what you heard to check out if you are right
    bulletExplore: Ask questions, especially about feelings. Check in with your own body to work out how you feel internally.
    Explain: spend time on describing what you perceive. Don't ask if the other person has understood. Use 'I' statements
    Empathize: look through their eyes, walk in their shoes
    bulletExpress: say what you mean and stick to what YOU want to say. Don't try and trick the other person into admitting something that makes them look foolish. Don't put each other down. Say exactly what you think.
    Take turns - and practise daily by having something to say that is not about the relationship, money, family or problems.

    1. Stick to the issue in hand - don't bring up previous misdemeanors or other things you've been meaning to say.

    2. Don't argue over trivia - for example, arguing whether it was Monday or Tuesday that you forgot the milk. The issue is you forgot, not which day it was.

    3. Start sentences with "I" - for example, "I felt annoyed when you..." rather than "You annoyed me when..." And "I would like to go out more often," not "We should go out more often."

    4. Don't use absolutes - never say "never", "always", "should" or "shouldn't". They're irritating and often inaccurate. For example, "You never wash up" will almost certainly get a response of "What about when...?"

    5. Let your opinions stand on their own merits - don't be tempted to bring in other people's opinions.

    6. Try to stay sitting down, relax your muscles and don't forget to breathe - it's much easier to stay calm if you're not pacing around the room.

    7. Don't start throwing abuse around - calling your partner lazy, fat or paranoid isn't going to convince them to see your point of view.

    8. Be aware of your feelings and tell your partner these as well - saying "I'm scared you don't love me anymore" is likely to get a better response than "You don't act like you love me."

    9. Try not to block the conversation - don't interrupt, launch into a monologue or expect them to be a mind-reader.

    10. Agree to a code word for time out - if one or both of you feels you're getting overheated it's best to take some time away from each other to calm down before going back to the disagreement.

    Remember, who wins the argument is irrelevant if your relationship loses something. Always try to confront the issue - not each other.

    Danger signs:

    During a typical blow-up, do you:bulletbuild up resentment and tension all day over some repeated irritating habit of your partner?
    bulletstart on the issue as soon as you're both through the door?
    quickly bring up past offences, however small and trivial?
    bulletmake it personal, moving from complaining about the issue at hand to your partner's general character failings?
    bulletavoid any sort of solution or compromise?
    bulletforget what you are arguing about?

    If so, you need to work on making your rows less destructive. That is, to take individual responsibility for your own intentions, words and desires.

    Make your rows more useful

    Row about things you can change.Define what you want - don't threaten.
    Pay attention when one of you asks for a change. Do something about it before strong feelings get in the way.
    bulletStick to the current problem. Don't waste valuable time and energy on the past, which cannot be changed and may confuse today's issue.
    bulletKeep your language respectful. Using put-downs, and accusations, may give you quick feelings of satisfaction but can cause lasting damage to your relationship.
    Avoid rowing late at night or in the early hours of the morning. At these times all issues seem more serious and being tired can get in the way of good sense. Leave a half hour between getting together and starting to talk about something serious. Use this time to describe something pleasant or interesting to one another.
    bulletAgree to disagree. Sometimes there will be subject you can't agree on. Understand and enjoy these differences.
    bulletWork hard to make up after a row . Remind yourselves of the love you feel for each other and your family.

    Find more enjoyable ways to let off steam together. Physical exercise, even a brisk walk together, can release tension. Laugh out loud together, share jokes and hilarious anecdotes from the past and watch funny videos or movies to release your feelings. Be playful. All these ideas release tension and can be much more fun than a row.

  • Learning to Argue;

    bulletMake a date in advance to do this exercise. It will take an hour.Toss a coin to see who speaks first and agree who'll keep time.
    bulletMake sure you're not going to be disturbed.
    bulletPerhaps start by agreeing to talk about something that is not part of your relationship - to practice talking.
    Agree what the two of you will do to relax after your hour is up. And, do it!

    Each partner gets 30 minutes to talk, while the other partner gives their undivided attention. After the hour is up, it's essential that you both walk away and do something else - don't analyze the conversation. In fact, agree not to talk about it for at least 48 hours.If talking for a whole hour is difficult because of other time pressures or feels too long for a first time, cut the exercise to 20 minutes each.

    Rules for the talker

    You have to take your full 30 minutes even if you run out of things to say. Any silences will give you a chance to reflect on what you've said and perhaps move on to deeper thoughts.Talk about whatever's on your mind - but don't turn it into a whingeing session.
    bulletTry to talk only about your feelings and opinions by starting sentences with 'I'.
    If you're the second person to speak, try not to respond to what your partner's just said. You must talk about your yourself.

    Rules for the listener

    bulletTry to listen with your whole self by giving your partner 100 per cent of your attention.Show that you're listening with your body language: maintain eye contact, nod and don't cross your arms.
    bulletYou can ask for clarification if you don't understand something, but not if you disagree. Don't share your opinions.
    bulletIt may be hard to keep quiet for that long, but it's important to do so.

    If you feel you're about to blow up, stop and think about what you want to get out of it before strong feelings take over. Is there a solution you can suggest that will satisfy you both? Or do you just want to let off steam after a long day? If so, there may be a more enjoyable way to do this.

    And above all - work on what you want as an individual and do NOT use other people's guidelines to determine who you are or who you should be. You cannot be a couple if you are not an individual first.

    Self awareness will result in other awareness and more communication. Be happy as an individual.....
    Copyright actualitycat 1986-2007

Thursday, July 26, 2007

Leo Marks — Code Poem for Violette Szabo

In 1943 Marks met and fell in love with a woman who lived in a neighbouring flat in the Edgware Road, but within three months she had been killed in an air-crash. When, early the next year, Szabo needed a code-poem for a mission in France, Marks gave her the lines that he had written for the dead woman. Curious, Szabo asked who had written them. 'I'll check up,' Marks told her, 'and let you know when you get back.' In fact, as Marks had feared, Szabo never returned, but was captured, tortured and eventually executed at Ravensbrück. She was twenty three years old.

The life that I have
Is all that I have
And the life that I have
Is yours.

The love that I have
Of the life that I have
Is yours and yours and yours.

A sleep I shall have
A rest I shall have
Yet death will be but a pause.

For the peace of my years
In the long green grass
Will be yours and yours and yours.

Land of Might-Have-Been

Some of you may remember this from the movie GOSFORD PARK. It bears re-capturing ......


Ivor Novello: The Land of Might-Have-Been

As Edward Moore, Edward Marsh wrote the words to Ivor Novello's
song The Land of Might Have Been, (1924)

Somewhere there's another land different from this world below.
Far more mercifully planned than the cruel place we know.
Innocence and peace are there. All is good that is desired.
Faces there are always fair. Love grows never old nor tired.
We shall never find that lovely
land of Might-Have-Been.
I shall never be your king nor you shall be my queen.
Days may pass and years may pass and seas may lie between.
We shall never find that lovely
land of Might-Have-Been.
Sometimes on the rarest nights comes the vision calm and clear,
Gleaming with unearthly lights on my path of doubt and fear.
Winds from that far land are blown, whispering with secret breath.
Hope that plays her tune alone. Love that conquers pain and death.
Shall we ever find that lovely
land of Might-Have-Been?
Will I ever be your king or you at last my queen?
Days may pass or years may pass, the seas my lie between.
Shall we ever find our lovely
land of Might-Have-Been?

I seem to be the victim of a cruel jest.
It dogs my footsteps with the girl I love the best.
She's just the sweetest thing that I have ever known.
But still we never get the chance to be alone.
My car will meet her and her mother comes, too.
It's a two-seater, still her mother comes, too.
At Ciro's when I am free; at dinner, supper or tea,
She loves to shimmy with me and her mother does, too.
We buy her trousseau and her mother comes, too.
Asked not to do so, still her mother comes, too.
She simply can't take a snub. I go and sulk at the club.
And have a bath and a rub and her brother comes, too.
To golf we started and her mother came, too.
Three bags I carted when her mother came, too.
She fainted just off the tee. My darling whispered to me,
'Jack, dear, at last we are free.' But her mother came, too.

I can give you the starlight, love unchanging and true.
I can give you the ocean, deep and tender devotion.
I can give you the mountains, pools of shimmering blue.
Call and I can be all you ask of me.
Music in spring, flowers for a king;
All these I bring to you.
When I was young, my foolish fancies used to make a great mistake.
But now a little love, a little living has changed my ways
And taught me and brought me the joy of giving.
I can give you the starlight, love unchanging and true.
I can give you the ocean, deep and tender devotion.
I can give you the mountains, pools of shimmering blue.
Call and I can be all you ask of me.
Music in spring, flowers for a king;
All these I bring to you.

In B.C. 33 Ah, me! That's a dash long time ago.
There lived a Roman hero who had shaken hands with Nero.
And the history you shall know.
He was introduced to the king of
Gaul, whoever that might be.
And crossing in galley with a Norman wench got pally
They went and founded me.
So if you wonder what a duke should be,
Just you take another look at me.
I'm doubty, I'm gouty, I'm wonderful to see.
All my people 'pon my soul it's true.
Look on Noah as a parvenu.
By gad, you can search your family tree,
But you'll never find a duke like me.
When old Canute was buying fruit one day, so runs the tale.
A young convicted felon brought him a juicy melon.
And was then released from jail.
This noble youth to tell the truth,
Sailed right away to sea.
And the Duke of
Malta's daughter brought up his shaving water.
And the grand result was me.
So if you wonder what a duke should be,
Just you take another look at me.
I'm doubty, I'm gouty, I'm wonderful to see.
All my people 'pon my soul it's true.
Look on Noah as a parvenu.
By gad, you can search your family tree,
But you'll never find a duke like me.
So if you wonder what a duke could be,
Just you take another look at me.
I'm doubty, I'm gouty, I'm wonderful to see.
All my people 'pon my soul it's true.
Look on Noah as a parvenu.
By gad, you can search your family tree,
But you'll never find- you'll never find- you'll never find a duke like me.

We're both undoubtedly sane.
We're not so horribly plain.
Something is wrong, but who can tell us what.
There's no accounting for taste.
It seems a terrible waste.
Nothing can help us. We have not that vital spark we should have got.
Why isn't it you?
Why must we miss a chance like this when chances are few?
You've got the size of eyes I idolize.
Your arms invite a glamorous night.
What am I to do? Why isn't it you?
You don't react when I attract. What am I to do?
You've got the lips for me, the hips for me, the feet for me and the beat for me.
So tell me why, why isn't it you?
Why isn't it you?
Why must we miss a chance like this when chances are few?
You've got the size of eyes I idolize.
Your arms invite a glamorous night.
What am I to do? Why isn't it you?
You don't react when I attract what am I to do?
You've got the lips for me, the hips for me, the feet for me and the beat for me.
So tell me why-


Stretch 3


Legs

  • Sit down.
  • Grip the seat of your chair and raise one leg while you flex your foot.
  • Slowly move the leg outward, then back toward the center and down.
  • This will tone your thighs.

Stretch 2


Upper Body

  • Sit on the edge of your chair, firmly gripping the back.
  • Straighten your arms.
  • Keeping your back straight, let your upper body pull you forward to stretch your shoulders, upper back and chest.



Overall Tips

  • Begin with five repetitions of each exercise, then increase the number of repetitions as you are ready.
  • Hold each stretch for 15 seconds to a minute.
  • As you stretch, loosen tight facial muscles, straighten your shoulders and relax your neck and hands.
  • Make sure to do exercises with each arm or leg

Office Stretches 1



Shoulders and Back

  • Sit upright with your hands clasped behind your head.
Gently pull your elbows back as far as you can hold them in position

CD4 Micronutrient Supplement

In the era of highly active antiretroviral therapy (HAART), viral suppression is not always accompanied by complete immune reconstitution. After viral control is achieved, immune recovery is frequently slow and incomplete with an initial increase in memory CD4 cells followed by an increase in naive CD4 cells. The relationship between viral suppression and immune recovery is dynamic and complex and involves multiple factors, of which nutritional status is believed to play a pivotal role.

Sept 2006, JAIDS: Journal of Acquired Immune Deficiency Syndromes

This is a good formulation for immune support for all of us. Either make up the formulation from your regular suppliers, using several products, or you can contact the company who supplied the supplements tested in this study: Thorne Research.


Pregnant Put-ups ...

The New York Times

April 27, 2004

PERSONAL HEALTH

Reasons, and Remedies, for Morning Sickness

By JANE E. BRODY

Most women experience morning sickness early in their pregnancies. But it does not necessarily strike only in the morning, nor does it always end after the first trimester.

I, for one, felt sick at various times of the day, especially when I smelled something off-putting, like garbage or meat being cooked, and every day on the subway on my way home, until I realized that it helped to eat something before I left the office.

A close friend was sick through the full nine months of two pregnancies and looked more like a ghost than a woman about to give birth. Fortunately, fetuses are like parasites, and her sons were born big and healthy. But she did stop at two.

In cases like my friend's, the problem can be so severe that the women have to be hospitalized to prevent dehydration and other complications. In fact, severe nausea accompanied by vomiting is the second most common reason, after premature labor, for hospitalization in pregnancy.

Some women suffer such serious psychological and social disturbances as a result of persistent vomiting that they choose to terminate their pregnancies, according to a new report from the American College of Obstetricians and Gynecologists. Severe nausea and vomiting, called hyperemesis gravidarum, occurs in up to 2 percent of pregnancies, the association reported in issuing new guidelines for diagnosing and treating the problem.

Why This Happens

Nausea and vomiting affect 70 to 85 percent of pregnant women, various studies show. Half experience both, and a quarter have nausea only. It is often said that these symptoms are signs of a healthy pregnancy — possibly indicating that the right hormones are circulating.

As the association guidelines point out, "numerous studies have documented a lower rate of miscarriage among women with nausea and vomiting of pregnancy and hyperemesis gravidarum when compared to controls." No adverse fetal effects have been noted when symptoms are mild to moderate, although women with severe, prolonged symptoms have a higher incidence of low-birth-weight babies. Yet, about one woman in four in Western countries manages to give birth to a healthy baby without these distressing symptoms.

The delay in understanding the cause or causes of nausea and vomiting of pregnancy has been attributed to longstanding beliefs that it reflected psychological conflicts or a woman's inability to respond to excessive stress. These notions are now discarded.

More plausible theories relate it to an evolved adaptation to protect the woman and her fetus from potentially dangerous foods. For example ,an evolutionary theory advanced several years ago by two Cornell scientists — Dr. Paul W. Sherman, an evolutionary biologist, and Samuel M. Flaxman, then a graduate student — suggests that the nausea and vomiting of pregnancy evolved to prevent exposure to potentially harmful infectious and toxic organisms in foods, especially during the time that fetal organ systems are developing. They suggested renaming the condition "wellness insurance."

The scientists noted that meats led the list of troubling foods, and meats (both undercooked and cooked but inadequately refrigerated) can harbor organisms that cause fetal malformations. Raw fish, popular in Japan where 84 percent of pregnant women experience nausea and vomiting is another source of parasites. But in societies where morning sickness rarely occurs, the dietary staples are grains, not meat or fish, the Cornell scientists reported.

The chance that a pregnant woman will experience nausea and vomiting, and particularly hyperemesis gravidarum, is in part determined by heredity. If the woman's mother or sister had the problem, she probably will too. Other factors that increase the risk include carrying multiple fetuses, carrying a female fetus, experiencing the problem in an earlier pregnancy and having a history of motion sickness or migraines.

The guidelines of the College of Obstetricians and Gynecologists emphasize the importance of making sure a woman's symptoms of nausea and vomiting are related only to her pregnancy and not to some serious undiscovered disorder like pancreatitis, ulcer, appendicitis, kidney stones, diabetes, overactive thyroid, brain tumor or preeclampsia (toxic high blood pressure of pregnancy).

Such unrelated causes should be suspected when nausea and vomiting occurfor the first time after nine weeks of gestation, the college says.

Prevention and Treatment

At least half of pregnant women with nausea and vomiting fail to seek help from their doctors or midwives. Some believe that little or nothing can be done, that they have to live with it until it passes. Others fear that any treatment may jeopardize the unborn child.

But as the obstetricians' group points out, there are many safe ways to relieve and possibly eliminate the problem. It advises early treatment of nausea and vomiting to prevent progression to hyperemesis gravidarum.

Prevention starts with taking a multivitamin every day from the time of conception. A woman trying to become pregnant would be wise to start taking a multivitamin even before she conceives. Failing that, over-the-counter pregnancy tests can reveal pregnancies within two weeks of conception.

Other simple and widely recommended remedies, most never tested for effectiveness, include eating frequent small meals, avoiding spicy or fatty foods, eliminating pills with iron, eating bland or dry foods or high-protein snacks, and eating dry crackers in the morning before rising.

Three effective treatments are capsules of powdered ginger (they can also curb motion sickness), electrical stimulation of an acupressure point on the inside of the wrists, and round-the-clock use of vitaminB6, particularly when taken with the over-the-counter drug doxylamine, an antihistamine often used as a sleep aid.

Once sold as the drug Bendectin until a fear of birth defects (since unsubstantiated) forced it off the market in 1983, this combination had been used by a quarter or more of pregnant women. It can reduce the incidence of nausea and vomiting in pregnancy by 70 percent, solid studies have shown.

According to the obstetrical association, "Several studies involving more than 170,000 exposures have found the combination to be safe with regard to fetal effects."

Now, the new guidelines point out, "individual compounding pharmacies in many communities will make up the combination of 10 milligrams of pyridoxine and 10 milligrams of doxylamine on request." Pyridoxine is vitamin B6.

A 12.5-milligram dose of doxylamine can also be obtained by cutting a 25-milligram tablet in half. The obstetrical group recommends its use with 10- to 25-milligram doses of B6 three or four times a day, if B6 alone is not effective enough.

Other medications listed as safe and effective are two kinds of prescription antiemetics, phenothiazines and benzamides.

If a woman suffers from severe and prolonged vomiting, she may need to be hospitalized for intravenous fluids to correct dehydration and electrolyte imbalance, a buildup of ketones in the blood and deficiency of vitamins, in particular the B vitamin thiamine. If a pregnant woman is so severely affected that she cannot maintain her weight, tube feeding may be required, the obstetrical group's guidelines say.

©Copyright 2004 The New York Times Company